sometimes when i’m feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS i have trouble thinking or speaking clearly because of the sheer power of my emotional body flooding my neurons and synapses and logical thought with chemicals and hormones, and i feel a little bit like a crazy person.
when i was much much younger my mom told me that i had either a talent or a curse because i could, almost always, find exactly the thing to say that would really get to a person. the first time she said it i didn’t really know what she was talking about, but eventually, as i grew and became more self-aware, i began to realize that sometimes, often, when my emotions took over i said things to people and it was like a switch flipped and we were no longer playing the same game. i slowly began to realize the impact we all have on each other and how to think before i spoke, and that just because words flashed before my eyes, that didn’t mean that i should say them.
i got better at controlling my emotions too…that one took a while, and yes, sometimes i still am powerless against myself.
sometimes, in those moments (or after them) of overwhelming emotion, i am reminded of this quote:
“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence. Violence is any day preferable to impotence. There is hope for a violent man to become non-violent. There is no such hope for the impotent.”
because sometimes swirling emotions feel just that; violent. and in that violence of emotions i can try to harness them, to maintain non-violence, but even when i can’t, i would rather let that violence erupt out of me than to give in to the hopelessness of spiritual impotence.
in my life, i try very hard to be a good person. i try to treat others as i would want to be treated - with kindness and love and understanding and a recognition that i can never know their struggle but that i can understand that everyone struggles and humans are imperfect and we all make mistakes and, for the most part, we’re all just doing the best we can, and that’s enough.