sometimes i feel like i might die.
like the ache in my heart just might squeeze the life right out of me.
i’m not unhappy here, in fact, in a lot of ways, i’m happier than i’ve been in a long time…perhaps ever.
but it’s not easy. and sometimes, i just want it to be over.
i have done, and seen, and heard, and felt, amazing things. inspiring, motivating, rejuvenating things. horrific, maddening, saddening things. beautiful things. ugly things. mysterious indescribable things.
i am glad i came here. and that i am here. and that this experience is a part of me now - and a part of who i will one day become. i am glad.
but having my feet on two different continents gets exhausting. and israel or palestine or the middle east or the desert or disneyland, gets exhausting too. and med school gets exhausting. and anticipation of the unknown gets exhausting. and sirens get exhausting. and missing people and things and ideas gets exhausting.
and my thighs burn from doing the splits across the world. and when my niece asks me if i can maybe stay another day or come for christmas morning or spend the night and i have to say no, no my love, i can’t - it breaks my fucking heart. shatters it to pieces. sharp little shards like the pieces of the vase my brother made for me, (blew out of molten glass, and mailed to me across the globe), after my cats, my fucking cats, knocked it off the bookcase.
and while i no longer yearn for a yesterday or a once was, i do miss how wonderful that felt. i miss being in love so completely that there was nothing i was more certain of in the world. a love so strong that i knew, not thought, but knew that i was invincible. that i could do and be anything. that all i had to do was try.
not that it was easy. i had to work hard. but working hard when you have confidence in yourself and the pursuit of your dreams, when you are backed by love and support and encouragement, well it’s like running a race when you’ve trained brilliantly and you’re in the best shape of your life; it’s still hard, hills still suck to get up, but it’s fun too, and rewarding.
i am still breathing though.
and starting to believe again, that i might just get there in the end, and that maybe the crest of the hill isn’t so far off anyhow.