The McSweeney’s version of Animals Being Dicks:
WHEN ANIMALS RUN
ATTACK ADS.
BY BEN GREENMAN
“The average pigeon receives more than one hundred pieces of bread from humans per year, despite the fact that they can fly to where the food is. To those of us forced to stay on the ground, this is an act of near-total laziness. Pigeons: They do all they can to do nothing at all.”
Paid for by a raccoon
“We’ve faced many challenges over the years, and each and every time we’ve discovered that courage is the answer. Hyenas don’t understand that. They back down from fights. They play dead. We need to set an example for other animals, and high-strung scavengers aren’t the way to go. Have the courage to stand against the cowardly hyena.”
Paid for by a lion
“Mongooses have consistently betrayed the trust of other animals: for example, the recent hydroelectric power station that displaced hundreds of birds and fish had the backing of more than half of all mongooses. Plus, they giggle when they mate. Is that dignified? They say that a mongoose is not closely related to a weasel, but actions say otherwise.”
Paid for by a snake